


Half The Man I Used To Be

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean's a little emotionally unstable, Depressed Sam, I Don't Even Know, It evolved?, M/M, dean's in hell, probably more tags in the future, sorta sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-11
Updated: 2014-05-14
Packaged: 2018-01-24 08:08:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1597730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean's been in hell for two years now. Castiel never saved him. Sam's...well Sam's a little bit of a mess.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, this is my first real fanfiction. I hope its okay.  
> Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or anything affiliated with it. If I did I would be the happiest person ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so I looked back over this and I tried to fix it up a bit. Hope it flows a little better.

** Sam’s POV **

I didn't want to look her in the eye. It just didn't seem fair to her, but she made it really hard not to. She was looking up at me with the most beautiful, lust filled eyes. Not picking up on how when she brought me to her for a kiss I quickly pulled away. Not looking up again as I went back down and set to work. Or maybe it was me that was just deciding not to notice the way she noticed. Either way I didn’t really care. I was kinda preoccupied with other things. The way she writhed down on my tongue driving me crazy. All those fuckin’ moans she quietly let out suffocating me. Even though it wasn't his voice; the one I wanted to hear, or his body, and they weren't his eyes which I so desperately wanted to look into. (Hers were actually one of the reasons I had picked her. She had glowing green eyes almost, but not quite like his.) I could make do with what I was given. For now.

" _Dean, I miss you_. _I need you. I wish you were here."_ Those were some of the broken thoughts that kept going through my head. Thinking of him always brought forth the feelings of loneliness, and the suffering of knowing that I couldn't ever bring him back to me. I tried to push it away for a little while, though.

~~~

When the girl and I were through I didn't tell her to leave, but I think she understood that it was what I wanted. Or was it? I did want to be alone, but when I was...all I ended up doing was drown in my sorrow. The feeling of being completely isolated in your own mind can be scary. There was also the fact that being alone was just...well...lonely. Maybe I should have stopped her and asked her to stay. To just stay and hold me, but it wouldn’t help anything. I needed to learn how to cope on my own. So that one day I could finally come to terms with the fact that Dean was dead to this world. He was in Hell and it wasn't about tear it's hooks out of him

I had already tried everything I could think of, everything in every book there was to get Dean back. I just couldn’t make myself think about it anymore. Two years had already passed and nothing helpful had turned up. It killed me that there was no way I could help Dean. He was my best friend, brother, someone I looked up to, and for a short period of time before he was taken; he was my lover. For me, he was like every important person someone could have crammed into one. Everything was taken from me, and I just wanted it back. I wanted him back...

I stared up at the ceiling with silent tears streaming down my face. What could I do? There had to be something; anything. All of a sudden there was a click in my brain. Two ideas that hadn't shown there heads before.

I would get him back, and I knew what I had to do.

 


	2. The Man That Sold the World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam will do anything to get Dean back. It's not like it'll be a big deal anyway. All he's gonna do is open one little door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this isn't that great. I was just trying to get it out, and it turned out a little sloppy. I hope you like it anyway.

** Sam’s POV **

I needed to get some things if I was gonna to be able to fulfill my plan to get Dean out. It wasn't really an _ideal_ plan, and Dad and Bobby probably wouldn't like it. So, getting what I needed wasn't going to be easy. The one thing I definitely needed was the Colt, but they had that sucker under lock and key. To get it I was gonna need a freakin', amazing strategy. Something so conniving, no one else would think of it. I had it! I'd wait till they both went to sleep. Then I'd sneak in, walking light as a fox, and take it from the safe. (Bet you couldn't have thought that one up.)

When the time came to put the plan to action, it didn't work out exactly like I thought it would. I got caught...like right away.

“What the devil were you trying to do, Sam?" Bobby asked eyeing him suspiciously, "Why are you even here?"

I kept my gaze locked on the ground. I knew if I looked up it would hurt too much. I hadn't seen Bobby since Dean went to hell, so for about two years. I didn't really realize how much I'd missed him until I had heard his voice. It was like a shot straight to the heart.  

"Look at me, Sam," Bobby said. It wasn't technically an order, but I could hear the authoritative tint in Bobby's voice.

I looked up, and could feel my heart shake a little. It took all I had not to get up and crush him into a bear hug. I held back though because Bobby was looking pretty pissed.

"Are you gonna answer my questions, you idjit," Bobby demanded, "or are you gonna just keep sittin' there starin’ at me?”

“It’s nothing, Bobby,” I sighed, “I just need to use the Colt for a hunt.”

I heard the hitch in my voice. Mentally, I was punching myself for it. I knew Bobby had heard it too. Because of it, I kind of expected the next words that he said.

“Alright,” Bobby let out hesitantly, “Then I’ll go with you.”

“Bobby, I can do it myself.” I tried to sound determined, but I knew that it wouldn’t stop him.

“I’m going whether you want me to or not, and I bet your dad’ll say the same thing.” Bobby sounded equally determined, if not more so.

“What will I say?” John mumbled. He was rubbing his face like he was trying to wake himself up. I jumped at the unexpected voice.

“Oh, I was just telling Sam that we’d love to go on a hunt with him.” Bobby said.

“So, what're you hunting?” John asked suddenly wide awake.

“A demon that I heard was down in southern Wyoming,” I said.

“Where in Wyoming?” John asked curiously.

“Around the same place we killed Azazel,” I said quietly. I silently prayed that they would stop the questions. I didn’t really think it would happen, though.

“That’s strange. Are you thinking that they’re planning to open the door again?” Bobby asked concerned.

“I don’t know. I just want to go and make sure it’s nothing like that,” I said tiredly.

They must have gotten the message that I was done for the night. We decided that we would get up early in the morning, and get on the road. I went up to the spare bedroom, and flopped down on the bed. I had no idea how I was going to be able to play out my plan with Bobby and Dad tagging along.

 

We got to Wyoming, and found an okay motel to setup “HQ.” They started researching right away. Luckily for me, it looked like there actually was a demon here. 

"We're gonna both go out and see if we can find anything," Bobby said.

As soon as they left I started getting all the things I needed together. Bobby hadn't taken the Colt, for which I was thankful . I wanted to get this done. It could be one of the few times I had without Bobby or Dad with me.

I hopped into the Impala; peeled out of the parking lot. What I didn’t see or notice was that Bobby’s truck was waiting in the lot, and after I was far enough away they started to follow me. They didn’t trust me, and for good reason.

It took me twenty minutes to find the cemetery that we were in when we killed Azazel. I walk up to the tomb Colt in hand. Just seconds before I could put the Colt into the hole in the door, I heard the roar of Bobby’s engine. I turned around, surprised to see them jumping out of the truck. A rush of fear crept up my spine. I had to get this done.

“Sam, what are you doing?” John yelled.

I turned back around.

“Sam, move away from the door,” John yelled again.

I stuck the Colt into the door.

“SAM, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?” John yelled sounding scared.

I turned the Colt and unleased Hell on the world.

There was a huge rush of black smoke that almost suffocated me. Even in all the craziness, there seemed to be bubble of calmness around me. He was standing there, right on the edge of the door.

Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave kudos and comment if that what you feel like. ^.^


	3. Come As You Are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean has gotten out of Hell, but he's brought along his own personal demon. Who is it? (I'm not really all that sure myself)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really liked writing this chapter, but it took me foreeever. I hope it was somewhat worth the wait. Sorry if it wasn't. I kinda suck. Also, I'm not really sure if I kept the right emotions going from Dean so...yeah. Anyway, I'm done rambling.

**Dean POV**

I was looking at Sam. I know that didn’t sound like a big deal. I couldn’t explain it, but _I was looking at Sam._ It wasn't some hallucination that _he_ caused, or something that I imagined to keep myself sane. I was out, and if I wanted to I could touch Sam. He was actually there. I could move freely. I could _breath_. It was all too much.

I wanted to run to Sam. I held back; though, because I didn’t know how to handle my emotions anymore. There were so many things that had happened in Hell. My experience there had changed me, and it was definitely not for the better. I almost wasn’t sure if I could even belong in this world anymore. I’d been in a place of hate and pain for almost two years.

Looking at Sam now hurt. It hurt like nothing I could have imagined. It was the type of pain that was on the edge of being physical, but also had a deep emotional aspect, too. It felt like all the air in my lung was gone, and they were empty; but, it also felt like my heart was so full, it was gonna burst. All the confliction inside my head, body, and soul confused the hell out of me -pun unintended. Seeing him standing there wasn’t enough to steady myself. The only way I could ease that pain and confusion would be to touch him. Know that he was really real. Smother him with all of my being, and just let it out. But I was scared. Scared of being rejected. Scared that he would see through my mask and be repulsed by the dejected piece of meat I was. See how weak, broken, and used up I had become. Everything about me was utterly disgusting, and if Sam could ever possible want me again I don’t think I could allow it.

I hoped that Sam had moved on. Started a new life, like we had always talked about. I said that to myself, but in the back of my head there was this voice saying these things I would never freely admit to anyone; even myself.

“ _You don't really want that. Why should Sam be happy? What has he done to deserve it? Stop lying to yourself.”_

 _"Shut up. I'm not listening to you, anymore."_ I internally yelled at the voice.

_"NO, **you** shut up you little bitch. You can't get rid of me. Just because you found a way out doesn't change anything. I. Own. You."_

I ignored the voice and gritted my teeth; trying to hold myself together. Looking back up, I saw Sam staring at me like he couldn't believe what was in front of him. His face seemed blank, but the look in his eyes was broken. He appeared to be on the brink of falling apart, and then he did. The blank page crumpled and tore. Tears journeyed down his contorted features. He fell to his knees; shaking with the force of his emotions. From his place kneeling on the ground, he looked up at me with a fear that I also had. _Was this real?_ I guess we were about to find out.       I ran to him. Tripping over my feet and falling to the ground in front of him. I was there, right next to him, but I couldn't move. I still was so afraid of what would happen if I were to touch him.

In the end, I didn’t get to decided what to do. Sam, threw his arms around me, and pulled me tightly to his chest. So tight I couldn’t breathe, but I also couldn’t bring myself to care. Right here…right now I’d die happily as long as Sam never loosed even an inch of his grip on me. Screw the no chick flick rule - well at least for this moment. I don’t know how long we kneeled there just holding on to each other. It didn’t matter. All that did matter was encasing me in it’s arms.

After some amount of time - short or long I don’t really know - Bobby cleared his throat trying to get our attention. Him and Da… “ _You can’t even say the word Dad without thinking about me? That’s kind of fucked up, cupcake. Not that I’m complaining. I liked your daddy kink.”_

 _“Shut the fuck up, you asshole.”_ I said with my newfound courage that came with being free.I knew he couldn’t touch me anymore. I didn’t have any reason to be afraid. So what was that little shiver that went through my spine, and why was I feeling nauseous all of a sudden?

 _I’m really going to miss that snarky little mouth of yours. Though, the only time you ever put it to good use was when you had it wrapped around my…_ I started mentally humming Metallica to tune him out. He wasn’t here, and I needed to focus on reality.

When I opened my eyes, Bobby and John were looking at Sam and I with less surprised than I thought they should have. I mean I just came through Hell’s gate like freaking Batman out of the ashes. Not to sound conceited but I was a freakin’ miracle…They definitely knew something that we didn’t and I didn’t like it.

I untangled myself from Sam and walked over to give the other men both hugs. I pulled back and noticed that neither of them would look me in the eye. I felt a knot of anxiety in my stomach.

“Is something wrong, guys?”

Bobby looked up at me and said, “I guess we have a few things to talk about.”

~~~

We had gotten to Bobby’s and things had become kind of…explosive.

“You fuckin’ knew and you didn’t even mention it to me?! We could have gotten Dean out, but no you just…you just...fuckin’ gave up on him.”

“Sa…”

“No, screw you! If you ever get stuck in Hell, don’t hold your breath waiting for me to get you out.” With that Sam stormed out of Bobby’s house; car keys dangling in his hand.

“Weeelll…uuumm…I’m gonna gooo.” I said pointing toward the way Sam went with my thumb, and slowly got out of my chair. I wasn’t really sure how I was feeling about this whole situation, but I did think Sam had the right idea with leaving.

            “ _That was some welcome home party.”_

 ~~~

I found Sam sitting in the impala. The keys were in the ignition, but the engine wasn’t on and Sam was just staring off with an epic bitch face on. I let out a sigh, and got in the impala with him. As soon as I was in, he turned to me and his whole attitude had changed in a split second.

“I’m so sorry, Dean. I’m sorry I didn’t get you sooner. I’m sorry.” He looked like he was on the verge of crying, so my take care of Sammy instincts kick in. I needed to be strong.

            “Sam, it’s ok, it’s ok.” I said trying to comfort him, “I’m here now, and the rest doesn’t matter. That means you need to forgive Bobby and Dad. I already have. They were just thinking about what was better for the bigger picture.”

            “The bigger picture? Wow.” He scoffed at me, “So, are trying to say that if it was you, you would have just left me in Hell? Not do anything you could to save me? Cause if you are, that’s some bullshit.”

“Sam, you know that’s not what I’m saying. I would have saved you no matter what. I’m just saying I get why _they_ didn’t.”

            “Well, you shouldn’t have to get it. I definitely don’t. I mean, you were in Hell for _two years_ , Dean. I can’t even imagine what that was like.”

            “No, you can’t, and I never want you to be able to. That’s not something I would wish on my worst enemy.”

            _“Oh, come on I wasn’t that bad. I thought we had a good thing going; well, at least after the first hundred and thirty some years. Though, I have to say those years were my favorite. They were the ones when you really fought back.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so who do you thinks livin' up in Dean brain?  
> a) Crowley  
> b) demon!Cas  
> or last but not least  
> c) Lucifer (that would be crazy)
> 
> p.s this chapter ended kinda abruptly because I'm hoping to make the next one a flashback

**Author's Note:**

> I'm hoping to make this some sort of series. Leave comments telling me if you liked it and you can also leave suggestions. Thanks


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